Yes, it is the insider’s story of the Mumbai bomb blasts. Who is the insider? I am the insider. When I went inside the Prime minister’s house I couldn’t find Manmohan Singh, he had gone to Sonia Gandhi’s house to deliver pet bottles of mineral water along with a fresh Omelet made from his own hands and European apple salad that he would claim his own too. After the bomb blast in Mumbai, they had arranged a meeting with Barak Obama, who hunted down Osama in Pakistan, to discuss the issues of terrorism in India. And I secretly hid behind the curtains, I was sure nobody will suspect because walls have ears but curtains don’t.
When Manmohan singh took Obama inside the prime minister’s house, he started introducing him with the people inside the room. ‘He is my finance minister Mr Pranab Mukherjee, Manmohan singh said. Pranab comes forward to greet Obama.
‘hello sir.’
‘Why are you spitting on me, man! Obama says.
Manmohan sing interrupts, ‘he is not spitting, that’s his specialty sir, he is like your dog, loyal and full of froth. Anyway come here and meet our home minister Mr. Chitambaram.’
‘What is he wearing,’ Obama asks.
‘He is wearing dhoti, you remember Mahatma Gandhi who ran around the country half naked wearing only this, to shoo British away, tats our traditional dress sir, sort of trouser only, just not stitched, that’s all. Okay come here, he is my financial adviser, Mr Aluwalia, potato fellow, looks like a potato too, haha. And Mr. Kapil sibbal, who is handling our anti lokpal bill, sorry, anti corruptions bill, what to do truth comes out. Meet our general secretary Soniya ji, very intelligent sir, she is Italian and she likes all the American songs.’
When asked why doesn’t Manmohan singh make a public statement, an assurance of sorts like he does in America, Sonia Gandhi interrupts and says, ‘he is trying hard to get to the bottom of it, really busy with that issue itself.’ That was not quite accurate, that was more like saying he doesn’t know what he is talking about or he shouldn’t say a word because he looks stupid.
‘Hey Manmohan, what can I say? You must have vigilant intelligence and strong security systems to stop these attacks.’
‘Sir, we have everything, from smart intelligence to patriotic policemen to a strong army to lots of ambulances, we also have prime minister’s relief fund from which we give compensation packages to victims and homicides.’
‘Then, why don’t you use them to prevent attacks.’
‘You haven’t heard that saying. Have you? If it ain’t broke why fix it. Anyway, tell me how did you manage to get so much money to bail out American banks. I know I know. Printing extra notes, right? We do it sometimes, and then we deposit them in Swiss banks.’
‘I thought we were going to discuss terrorism.’
‘Oh come on! You think this is some sort of news channel that we’ll talk about terrorism and the spirit of Mumbai. That we’ll call some poor chaiwallah from the streets of Mumbai who will cry and tell his tragic story in Hindi on an English news channel and win great journalism awards. No! That’s media’s job, it’s time for us to relax. Thank god we had couple of train accidents and now this bomb blast, this will distract the media from anti-corruption bill and the one lakh crore treasure of travancore that we found.’
‘Oh cool! You are just like us, now I can be myself and stop pretending like Theodore Roosevelt. But hey! You look kind of weird, you know, you must look firm and why don’t you use your hands, like I do, you know, it’s called body language, you must have personality and stuff man!’ Obama says.
‘I was working really hard to get that noble prize for peace sir, with my peaceful demeanor and having not attacked Pakistan even after 26/11. I really thought I was in with a chance, but you stole it and then killed Osama, anyway congratulations for winning sir.’ Manmohan sing responds holding two glasses of Johnny walker scotch.
‘I heard you arrested this yoga guru. Why? Yoga is one of the two best things your country ever gave America, the other being Kamasutra, of course.’
‘We had to do something about this Ramdev phenomena, for starters he was fighting against corruption and due to his yoga gyan our Soldiers were turning into vegetarians sir, which is not a good news, how are we going to fight with fifty million meat eating Pakistani’s with our stomachs full of plants, I heard their soldiers carry large stocks of chickens, goats, and lambs with them. And their government gives out free alcohol on the border, sir. The only time we give out free alcohol is when we have the elections.’
That’s when Chidambaram cuts him short and says, ‘we must get back to the point.’
‘Yes yes, sir, he is also a vegetarian no, he is very similar to your predecessor George Bush, both of them have had shoes thrown at them by journalists. haha’
‘So what are you going to do about terrorism in India, Manmohan.’
‘Arey don’t you follow news, especially the controversial ones. Rahul baba has said at news a conference that 1% of the attacks will get through. Something’s wrong with the city I tell you, first, after 1993 attacks we changed its name to Mumbai from Bombay, you see, the name made it the centre of attraction, Bom-bay. Bomb-ay. But still it has had bomb blasts, but it’s alright, Rahul baba has already said, one percent of the attacks will get through.’
Potato fellow comes and says, ‘sir media people have come, India wants answers. One of them had said.’
‘I think I have to leave you sir, you heard it. India wants answers.’
‘Are you nervous, Manmohan.’
‘I am not nervous. Quite frankly, I am not concerned about India’s security sir.Here people need things to talk about. Here people spend more time standing in queues than worry about security. Here people are more concerned about buying bread than security. Here people spend more time watching cricket or a movie than worry about security. Sir it’s India, after all, it’s a country of crazy people. Here people die. They die everyday. Some from train accidents, some from bomb blasts, some from hunger, some from too much food, some die because don’t have money, some because of too much money. You see, India is a country of rats. We run for our lives, until we find a hole for ourselves to hide in . . . Sheltered, cloistered . . . afraid. They call me the most honest man in India sir, but I am one of them, I am also a rat,’ Manmohan said and walked away.
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